Relationships are work. To sustain healthy relations, be it with your homies, girl squads, family, requires commitment. You show up continuously, ready to give of yourself over and over – emotionally, materially, spiritual investments, mental investments.
It is very typical of us females to go way over our heads of what our marriages would look like. And even go as far as ironing out how our spouse should function inside marriage. But when Uncle shows signs of non-compliance, showing to you that he is only flesh and blood with weaknesses, goes about his affairs the best way he can and not exactly to your spec – then yen yen yen.
Every year a couple spends together is worth celebrating every single year. We do not even acknowledge our parents enough; 20 years in the game, 40, 50, and still going strong is not a trifling affair. You will appreciate better when you are on the course yourself. But for now, while couple fever/engagement fever is doing you jigijigi(even if you are unattached at the moment). The journey ahead is far. You must sit down, eat, and prepare for it.
1 Kings 19:7-15 New Living Translation (NLT)Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said “Get up and eat some more or the journey ahead will be too much for you.”
Toyosi Etim-Effiong recently clocked three years with her spouse. Celebrating their #3strandcord union, she used the opportunity to share insights that marriage has opened her eyes to.
Sit tight for Toyosi’s rendition of Before You Walk Down That Aisle
Toyosi: I know single people think that what married people do every day is: snuggle, smile at each other, say, “I love you baby 50 times a day”, eat strawberries on a fluffy rug while Netflixing and chilling. And even have sex every day and every hour…..Omo mehn! OYO is your case o.
Yes! There are those days, if you’re with the best partner and your communication and friendship is great, this will happen a lot….bet! It’s not reality. Marriage is a serious yet rewarding business.
There are bills to pay, a future to intentionally build. The smooth operations of our home – even with the helps, trust me, the last thing on my mind is strawberries, sex, or eat the exact same apple Adam ate.
So, yea, we make time, sometimes spontaneously, sometimes Jesus seff will carry megaphone to scream, “Thou daughter of Jesse go and cleave to your husband.”
The truth is these fantasies that the movies and music videos have sold you are not accurate, and it is farther from reality. Don’t let this illusion be the driver of your marriage conquest.
Take your time. Find yourself (I’m very huge on IDENTITY), and let go of all that unrealistic expectations you’ve of somebody’s child…..pls, be kalminnnn dawwnnn o.
Please be calming down o lol. Toyosi keeps hammering on identity(check her IG), and for valid reasons. Marriage doesn’t complete anybody. If you are oblivious as to who you are now, you will be clueless in marriage. And dissatisfied too(after the feels have sizzled down).
Toyosi: If I were in a room filled with Single women, here’s what I will say to them
1, Marriage is not a Green, blue, and red passport to heaven.
Nobody has given us free groceries at a store because we are married. In fact, this marriage race ehn, dem no dey catch latecomer…Take your time but don’t waste your time.
Just the other day, my mind flipped back to senior secondary school memories. Peer pressure had everybody racing to gain admission to a higher institution. None of us even had the sense to sit down and decide whether university admission was the ‘right’ next step – it was the popular next step. Gaining admission was a do or die affair(none of us wanted to be the ‘unlucky’ “I didn’t gain admission this year”).
But now, if you take a look at all of us: both those who gained admission the same year, or two, three years later, you can’t tell. And who is even asking? Nobody. There is no who came first. It’s the same with marriage. So relazz, and take your time.
2, Nobody is flawless, choose your own perfect.
I know we all want the ‘TDH with the full 6-12packs seff, but I promise you if this specimen has a horrible character, doesn’t honor God, and Loves you, his bicep won’t matter. You won’t even notice it when you’re a shadow of yourself in his house. Who bicep and fine face epp, please?
3, Pray a discerning spirit and ask the Holy Spirit to help you.
Some people will just be sleek anyhow, but something in your spirit will just not gel. It’s God using your soul to lead you.
Call it a sixth sense, intuition. Butterflies in your tummy – on Twitterverse somebody, said may we not mistake the warning signals to be butterflies. Amen? Amen.
When everything looks good, but something in you is making your chest thump thump take your time and investigate the matter.
4, Don’t sit down in your house and be screaming you’re single…Before nkor? Who should be single if not you?
Except you want to marry a Nepa official who will come and knock on your door, go out and meet people. Be open-minded and be friendly…Don’t be squeezing your face upandan and be wondering why everyone thinks you’re a ghost. “He who wants friends must first be friendly”.
I almost wanted to delete this number four. Why is Toyosi calling us introverts out on social media like this?? It is well. We move.
5, Take time out to Dote, Love, and take care of yourself.
Be the best version of yourself per time, be your Specs specs biko…All of you looking for specs that are not your specs because your spec will not blink twice when they see you. Please do the work and keep upgrading your soft and hardware.
That list you have made for future oga pata-pata, bring it out. Grade yourself; be your spec’s spec biko.
6, Be a high maintenance woman.
I was reading Mr. Effiong’s anniversary post yesterday, and it got me rolling on the floor. That part where he said I was “High maintenance” ehn!…..Let’s just say the Lord will fight my battles for me.
Ladies, being high maintenance doesn’t mean (at least in this case) being materialistic, plastic, over-demanding, and unreasonable. It means “A woman who has come into her own, KNOWS WHO SHE IS, a woman who isn’t seeking external validation or permission to manifest on the highest frequency. A woman who’s nurturing her gifts and learning new skills, language. A woman who sits with herself. Gets excited about learning something new about herself. Looks forward to spending time with herself, whose sense of IDENTITY isn’t tied to a label, title, or position.
Before I met Daniel, I was carefully nurturing and developing myself. I wasn’t putting my life on hold until his arrival…I was LIVING, not just being alive.
I’ve heard a lot of single people say, “I’m waiting to write my first book with his surname on it. I’ll travel the world when he finally shows up”. I’ll take that course. Go to that new restaurant, wear that dress, or even BREATHE when the man comes…Anty! Unkle!
- If you were supposed to be a Nepa pole, God would have made you one.
- Please, don’t just be alive, Live your Life and be the best version of yourself every day. Stop putting your life on hold because you’re waiting for Mr/Mrs. Right to show up. While you’re looking for Mr/Mrs. Right, pls go Left abeg, find yourself, and know who you are before your significant other shows up. Don’t worry if they are supposed to be with you Nigerian Uber will mistakenly bring them to you. 😂😭😭
7, Marriage will unravel who you are
Marriage is a revealer of WHO YOU TRULY ARE, not WHO YOU’RE PRETENDING TO BE, but the real you.
When I was going to get married, I thought I was perfect. If I had any flaws, it would be shopping. But, even me seff e shock me.
I looked at myself in a mirror after a “delayed display reaction” to something Mr. Effiong did one time, and I was like…..Jesuuuuu o!
Who’s this person, please?
Ha! I hath to run to Jesus o and asked him to pull out my manual because I was definitely malfunctioning outside of who he has created me to be. I humbly asked the holy spirit for help and, also got my husband to be my accountability partner until that grey area was sorted.
My point is, Marriage is where you unpack your baggage, (because we all have baggage). Some people seff have excess baggage that they are not even aware of, and booooom! Marriage comes with the spotlight, revealing that which was concealed, but here’s my plea, please make sure you chose the right pilot to claim your baggage with his full chest so that your plane will not crash.
And the list continues. She mentioned other things like having the right people in your corner, forgiveness, and being aware of the different seasons in marriage.
Kisses from all of us at Alexilore.
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Featured Image: @the_toyosi