I saw a post on XoNecole, actually a twitter thread I hope I can still find it where this lady was lamenting about how there was this guy that had been showing interest in her for years, and she kept posting him. When she finally said yes, and had caught the woozy-love-bug, the guy ghosted her. Imagine that!
Now, the reactions to that thread were very eye-opening especially from our “brodas”, who dropped amusing and insightful comments. According to their Bro Code(that we girls know nothing about), there is a time-span that a guy will pursue with genuine interest, but when it exceeds that time-length and the girl is still inflexible with her “No” or “supposedly” stringing him along, he switches his chase to a pure revenge mission plus, a very big PLUS a quest to appease his challenged ego.
It gets even more interesting. According to them; it is at this point that a guy will roll up his sleeves and actively pursue a woman for as long as it takes him; 2, 3 years, even 4(I am shook). And when he eventually gets her swooning in love, he ghosts. If he does not ghost, you can bet he will be a pain in the ass, and a story of, “I dated him for two years, nothing to show for it”.
I don’t know the grainy details of that girl’s story and I don’t know her motives as to why she finally let him in after 10 years. It could be that the guy she was dating at the time, jilted her and she felt, “oh well, I could give this one a try”. I don’t know what happened.
However, I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations this thread sparked, it got me on this train of thought; these guys(permit me to generalize), have got us wrongly figured out. When we make them wait or when we say no(at first and maybe change our minds later), is not our attempt at forming – playing hard-to-get or playing games. Some of us are really, deeply, intentional about whom we date these days. Common-sense has taught us to be careful, life has drummed in us the importance of not joking with whom we grant access into our corners. And also it boils down to what a woman is looking for in a new relationship; something casual – or marriage?
Yep I found the thread.
I needed to hear from the ladies, I know we have been wrongly judged at least a “mean” number of us and for clarity I went asking; what are some of the valid reasons our “yes-ys” are not forthcoming?
It is not the length of the pursuit. It is the quality of the pursuit, that really matters.
“About two years ago, I had given up on being in a relationship because the guys I kept meeting…even though they expressed their intentions clearly, I could tell they were not “interested interested” in me. What I look out for in a prospective partner is; “intentionality”-there should be meaningful conversations about goals, fears, and future. These days, what do they even talk about?; How are you? Have you eaten? Your lips are fine. Let’s go and see a movie. Your face is finely shaped”.
Add to that, the infamous, WYD questions. LOL. Conversations like this make me cringe. Do I need to write a, “What we want guys to know before approaching us in 2020” post?
“I also should have established what his intentions are towards me. I can tell by the vibe; the energy he gives when off when we are together. A guy can chase you for years, and you will think he is interested – always around you, your go-to guy, he will go to market for you, and cook for you. It’s nonsense. It’s not by that one. It is that, and so much more. A guy you have met today can have better intentions for you, than the guy that has been on your tail for years”.
When a guy is just pursuing a relationship for the thrill of being in a relationship, to a large extent if you choose to listen to your gut and not blindly lean heavily on how the love is doing you, you can tell. Still, it does not dispute the fact that some guys are really smooth in their game.
As I and my girlfriend discussed more, we talked about the other type of guys that will pursue with apparently good intentions, but when that “something in us” is on red alert, we chill and tell the guy, NO. And just like that, a week or two weeks later the Bro has somehow found another love of his life. If you are saying, “what’s wrong with that? You turned him down. He moved on to find another fish in the sea” – nothing is wrong with it actually, but we know we dodged something. Yep. The girl “sha” dodged something.
“A large percentage of girls know what they want and what they are looking for. A girl will stay single for years, and she will tell you “I just want to pay attention to me for now. I’m not ready for a relationship”. Believe it, what she truly means is, “I have not found what I’m looking for.” When a girl sees what she wants in a guy, a week is too long for him to get a YES.”
Chemistry is the big deal for me, if I don’t feel you then there are no prospects.
“If I like you, there will be no need to stress. I won’t hesitate to give my “Yes”. It’s not really about how he tries or the extent of his chase. I have had guys that I have known a long time voice out their interest in me, but as long as I’m not in my feelings about the guy, it’s a “NO”. Even if he brings down heaven for my sake or he patiently waits on me for months…some guys will do anything just to get what they want, and once they get it, they are gone.”
Honestly, when I was younger I used to have all these criteria; he has to be fair, he has to be tall, he has to have money…as I have grown older, I realize you can’t really choose who you fall in love with; the heart wants what it wants.
“For me, my Yes is not controlled by material things. It’s determined by how he treats me. Does he take me seriously? People are different, so I can’t expect every guy to show their sincerity the same way. But some of the things I look out for is that he calls, and he listens. There are instances where you have conversations, and you say some random things and months later he refers to them. It strikes me that he was paying attention.
I have an Ex who used to send random texts during the day just to check on me. It’s not about to the big gestures. It’s about someone who understands my love languages – and acts on them. Right now, I am not dating. I used to deceive myself, by saying I was not ready for a relationship, but after some self-evaluation, I concluded I was ready. However, I am not getting into a relationship unless I am positive that this is ‘it’. I will wait till I find what I am looking for.”
I have come to realize that there is no one template for this relationship thingy.
“A guy asking you out for a month or two shouldn’t be bad, but then it doesn’t show whether he is serious or not. A month or two is a short time anyway. When a guy pursues you for five months actively, you can be quite sure the guy is serious. Still, it depends – on what he wants. A guy that wants sex will pursue a girl for that long, a guy that wants marriage will do the same, and a guy that wants a girl for “prestige” will pursue that long too. It’s left for you to discern if you and that guy are on the same page.”
Friendship is the bedrock of any romantic relationship for me.
“Before a guy can obtain a Yes, there has to be an established rapport over time. We should be paddies, and if along the line we both discover that okay, we want to take things to the next level, then we should go ahead. I am not in support of a guy coming from nowhere and wanting a relationship with me.”
That’s it, ladies, you’ve heard it – five badass women brought their unique POV to the table. How long should a guy pursue you, does it matter? Join our conversation in the comments.
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