P.S: This article is not in any way meant to diss any “fabletic(fabulous looking athlete)” fitfam out there. This article is me, describing how much I stan your effort. You guys are amazing…but I cannot kill myself. Lol.
So let me gist you my “butt-must-grow-by-fire-by-force-story”. It all started in Uni; I was drinking water, reading my books, and minding my business…maybe I was not minding my business enough because I paid too much attention to what was going on with the people around me, and so I fell into the trap of body fussing.
I noticed that the daughters I rolled with plus my roommates, were obsessed with their butt sizes. Many times, the subject of discussion was “how to grow out your backside 101”.
I won’t lie, I have always been an extra bit fascinated with sizeable backside because my mama did not give me any. You can bet my interest piqued. I was interested in growing out my butt in any natural way I could.
My girlfriend said…she actually said something like this “Ebose if you try squats ehn, your butt will never be the same again. It will wave in the air like the Nigerian flag, it would stand at attention”. I couldn’t wait. I had dreamt, visualized, envisioned the day that my butt will stand out in my cloth. Especially in jeans, and shake when I walk. In my mind I was belting out Wizkid’s lyrics, “your bombom shake it. Your backside”…lol.
Oh, what a dream come true. If there is hope for a flat ass baby girl like me, then why not?
“Squats” was everything my girlfriend recommended. I looked at her dubiously. Yet she assured me, do this, and you will remember me forever.
I didn’t get to it until we resumed and I noticed my girlfriend’s posterior had doubled in size -“Woah girl, what magic are you performing?” “Ebose,” she chanted in a sing-song voice “if you are not working that butt on a100 squats in the morning,100 in the afternoon, and 100 before you sleep at night, you have not started”. I gulped down saliva as I pictured the arduous task before me.
This girl wanted to “kukuma” exterminate me. I am lingele(slim), I will now come and be doing 300 SQUATS A DAY so that the small flesh in my body will disappear. Now that I think back, I believe the real reason her back-side doubled in size was that she added weight. I am not disparaging squat exercise. It may have helped, but I still feel it was because she added weight. But back then, I took her word, “hook-line-and-sink-her”.
This girl that had not done exercise in her life before-those primary school, “lift your hands up and down, up and down, and whine your waist, front and back” does not count was ready to do 300 squats a day because of butts.
Somebody tell me how I missed out when God was dolling out phenotypes to his daughters.
I summoned up courage. Drew strength from a well I didn’t know existed and resolved that it’s between me and the squats, one of us must give – I gave.
I don’t think I lasted 2 weeks. Really did try to do that 100, but I probably didn’t get up to 40 on the first morning, before I collapsed on the floor from sheer exhaustion. I was silently screaming out my pain, so my fam wouldn’t know what I was up to.
In the evening, I felt rested enough, I took my position and began the challenge again. If others can do it, I can.
My butt refused to grow. One Whole Week(don’t judge me. One week is enough considering the strain I put my body through) and I didn’t see any visible sign of growth.
I gave-I gave up literally cussing and screaming murder. My thighs burned, my legs hurt, walking became almost unbearable.
If squat was the price to pay for the golden trophy of a big butt, I did not want.
When she asked me, “Ebose, how are your squats coming along?” I smiled at her while in my mind I was like, “I now know you don’t plan I make it through Uni in one piece, but my God pass you”.
What’s your exercise story? Is there any exercise routine that you have declared to do away with forever? Let me know in the comments, and oh, whats can you recommend as an alternative to squats and does not require rigorous bodywork?
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