Is he truly, meaningfully courting you, or is he just manipulating your feelings?
If you feel like he is being too extra, then he is. Trust your gut. You hear this all the time, but you don’t heed to this simple advice. Why? Because girls like us love making excuses for people.
If you could get a dollar for all the times you have ignored your instincts to give them a chance, I bet by now, you would have a mean dollar account. What say you?
Love bombing – this is going to be intense, so get strapped, babe.
Urban Dictionary defines it as a predatory tactic used to seduce and ensnare an individual into a romantic relationship, a con, or even a cult. Often used by gold-diggers, narcissists, and dependent types to lock down their prey.
It is a campaign of fake love, affection, favors, flattery, and usually lots of sex — designed to overwhelm the target and hide the love bomber’s true motives.
I am going to be as graphic as possible, so you get the picture.
Imagine for a moment that you are in your lane, quietly attending your business. Or loudly going about other people’s businesses, when you are acquainted by a mutual friend – or not – to someone of the opposite sex. You say the first few hellos and go through the brief introductions. Once you turn your rear, he is out of your mind. You may or may not see him again, but this is fine.
Flap off to a few days later, when you get a call or a d.m. It’s him – the new guy. You two breeze through catch up, and it’s not long before you are fast friends with this stranger.
You are getting to know each other, so it’s okay if you are divulging too much too soon – He just gets you, you assuage yourself.
He is incessantly calling, in your d.m 24/7, he says to you ‘where have you been hiding all this time. That you are the best thing that has ever happened to him’. He is sending you love letters, composes poems just for you. He is your dream guy finally manifested.
Alarm bells are going off like fireworks, but you brush them off – what can possibly be wrong with him? “This guy is a catch! He is a diamond mine.”
You ignore the unsettling sensation at the pit of your stomach, the feels you have that things are going too fast. Honestly, you want to take it slow, you don’t want to rush this love, but the reigns are not in your hands.
He asks you, “when do you want to get married?” “How would you like your dream wedding, babe?” all this within a month of back and forth conversations. And you swoon, “Gosh. This is the guy”.
I have only two words for you – Carry On.
You have not known him long, yet he has replaced all your friends. He becomes your fetish – obsession is the best term to define the result of a love-bombed romance.
You dedicate all your time, energy, and effort to this relationship that puts you on a cloud.
I bet things are also moving very fast sexually.
Snap out of that honeymoon phase a minute, and let’s see what happens after the love-bomber has successfully locked in your devotion.
Reverse psychology begins to play out – the love-bomber becomes the trophy, and you become the courtier. He has gotten you right where he wants you. He becomes laid back, less attentive, shows less interest. You are no longer the best thing that happened to him. He is not as eager to spend much time with you. But oh, he wants you around. He unquestionably wants you around. So he will throw out just the right amount of affection to keep you hanging unto him.
This is the scoop – babe, you have been love-bombed!
You notice the changes, but your response is denial. You shrug it off, filling such nuances under the excuse of a couple that has just passed the honeymoon phase.
It is now up to you to both to keep the spark alive and maintain your romance. Yet you are the one doing all the work-he is no longer as caring as before. The compliments have stopped coming. It feels like the love-bomber now finds every excuse to pick on you. So you work harder – go out of your way to please him. You bend over to bring back his former energy. Even lower your standards to ground zero. And when you get tired – you will get tired – and you are finally ready to leave with what’s left of your self-esteem, he sprinkles a little more of that affection you’ve missed. And his whispers of sweet nothings trap you all over again.
Love bombing is purely manipulative and mostly done by narcissists. P.s: do narcissists even know that they are a narcissist?
The intention of love bombing is to exploit(a less euphemistic term is ‘use the victim’) the victim materially, emotionally, sexually, financially, by preying on a victim’s insecurities and desires.
All they have to do is transform into what you long for the most in a partner(usually, but not limited to self-sufficiency, confidence, and ambition). Whatever it takes to get you hooked.
What traits make you a victim of love-bombing?
Deborah Ward, the author of the book Overcoming Low Self-Esteem with Mindfulness, opines that sometimes it is not just a one-relationship-gone-wrong. There are instances where the victims have a track record of abusive relationships. Which stems from unresolved trauma.
Empaths are also common victims. According to psychologist Perpetua Neo, “People with high levels of empathy, people who over-give, people who are fixers, they tend to be in such relationships. While the empath gives and gives, the narcissist takes and takes, which is incredibly emotionally exhausting.”
Coming to the realization that a relationship is not healthy is one thing. Walking out of that relationship is a different ball game because
You really think he is genuine
He just has flaws, that’s all – the reason why we get trapped in a love-bomb in the first place is that it bears so many similarities to intentional dating. Yes, it is possible to meet ‘the one’ and get married in a few months. But the differences between the two are that the love-bomber can’t keep up appearances forever. His words are not backed up by action(actually, he backpedals when he deems fit), you feel like you are walking on egg-shells, inner peace will be fleeting. More often than not, you will be on a ‘he loves me, he loves me not,’ ride. At the end of the day, the thing that is going to blow your mind is when you realize you don’t even know this person! Babe, you don’t. You only know what he has chosen to let you see.
A biological attachment has formed. Soul ties, baby.
Therapist Shannon Thomas, the author of “Healing from Hidden Abuse,” says victims can become biologically attached to their abusers through something called ‘trauma bonding.’ “You have this back and forth episodes(where you are showered with affection and then it is withdrawn), and the body becomes addicted,” Thomas said. “When we’re looking for something that we want. That we once had, which is a connection with somebody. And they are playing cat and mouse where they are pulling it back and forth. Then the body really does become dependent on having that approval(the victim is hooked on the emotional rollercoaster).”
When you consider all the time, energy, money, and everything that you have invested in the relationship – it’s hard.
If you do an internal search, you will realize that you are trying to make up for a past relationship that turned sour, and you are doing all in your power to make this one work.
Love bombing is not synonymous with the male gender alone. Women do it too.
Can you be love-bombed into a situationship?
A definite yes. The love-bomber will do everything except defining the relationship. The excuse the victim will give is “he is not ready yet, I have to give him time to sort through his issues.”
How do you get out of such relationships?
It will sound cliche, but the moment you realize you deserve better. Puff! The magical chains will evaporate. Love yourself enough, babe. Love yourself something fierce. I know you may not be able to muster the strength to get out immediately you notice the pattern of abuse. But the important thing is to get out. And when you are out, forgive yourself, love up, and don’t look back.
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