Plus, why a broken relationship is not all that bad.
I read an article that inspired this piece; ‘Why you are always the one who prepares a man for his wife.’
Just listen to a girl rant about her Ex, and it’s going to be all fire and brimstone(for a majority of women, there was never anything good about him).
It’s the usual “I dated him for 7 years, and he upped and married a woman he had barely known a year.” “He was an abuser.” “He was a cheat”. He was He was He was.
But can you calm down a bit and appreciate that people do not come into your life for nothing? They are either a blessing or a lesson.
And let’s say your Ex was a wonderful man. It still did not work out, and not because you both did not try hard enough. But just maybe because you are two good people that are not good for each other.
Do you know what I want you to do for me now? Stop focusing on the regrets and instead, focus on the lessons. That’s what life is about; learning and growing.
Put a hold on the thought that you only successfully ‘prepared your man for another woman’. You could start seeing it in another light. That those relationships have changed you positively, so you can grow to become the best version of yourself and be a blessing to your future man.
Sometimes sis, you just have to see beyond the pain and learn the lessons. The truth hurts but it must be said anyway – evaluate your broken relationship(s).
So, I recently had this revealing conversation with my male friend (if you’ve not read, ‘Your platonic male friendships could just be the best relationships of your 20s’, then you should read it) about old flames.
What even led to that? We were gisting about a mutual friend. From there we entered another gist, which entered another gist that finally led here: Why a broken relationship is not all that bad.
There is something he said that struck a chord. Something like, ‘Life is outchea tryna teach you a thing or two but are you paying attention?’
Our broken relationship (according to him) is a chance to get to really know yourself and notice how you would react in the face of certain circumstances. Also, they are a chance to get familiar with your “baggage (toxic traits and negative patterns that can be traced from way back)” and offload them.
So even if you felt you were never supposed to have been in that relationship. It didn’t pay off, it was just wasted years. And ya’ still in the habit of looking back and thinking I was too good for that man. Or something like, ‘Oh yeah, I learned my lessons never to date this kind of person. In case of next time, I know how to sniff out a player from a mile away’. It is about time you stop and think differently. And in the words of a wise friend:
“Because instead of letting the broken relationship teach you about yourself, you have used it as an excuse to play the blame game. And that is wrong”.
That is why you will keep walking around with all that garbage (insecurity, lack of trust, unforgiveness), and carry your legs and enter a brand-new relationship – that still may not end well.
So I asked my buddy, ‘Don’t you think the best thing is to avoid romantic relationships altogether or at least cut-back on your romantic partners as much as you possibly can(because I believe you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship for you to prepare for marriage???)?
His answer was, ‘That is not the solution either. The most important thing is whenever you find yourself in or out of any relationship, (romantic or not) take note of the lessons and move on’.
I totally stan for that. Make sure you learn from it. Fully heal. Wipe your tears and be a big girl.
I saw an Instagram post that I want to show you:
Searching… searching… still searching…
I can’t find it, so I would just tell you what was in it. This girl-the post owner- was lamenting that her previous relationship messed her up so bad and that her next man should prepare himself; he had his work cut out for him, because she expects to walk into that relationship so scarred, that it would require twice as much effort for it to work..
Why the rush? Please before you go and torture somebody’s son or daughter read this; ‘Why I have never been in support of serial dating’. Your healing is not up to anybody sis. Your next man is not the Holy Spirit – even if he is willing to try.
Do yourself a favour and heal first. “Hurt people hurt people” don’t forget this.
Alexilore had a chat with friends (male and female alike) on why a broken relationship is not all that bad. Some of the lessons shared are so emotional:
My past relationship taught me that I am not an impulsive person, and every time I act on impulse, I fail. I learned the hard way to never make hasty decisions. Especially when it comes to relationships.
I always take my time to think, ask questions and evaluate so many things before going into anything (especially relationships). But this one; I dived into it like I had been waiting all my life. I thought it was love until I realized that the line between infatuation and love is very thin. We were not in any way compatible.
Before diving headfast into any relationship again, I’m going to take my time. Infatuation is strong, but love is stronger. Until I’m able to tick all the “boxes” (right or wrong, I just need answers), I am not going in.
I learnt the hard way that for a relationship to work, one must be ready to sacrifice time.
I am still learning how to give more of my time to my loved ones. It’s very, very important. Looking back, I feel I actually put my activities sometimes ahead of our happiness. Second, I think I gave up too quickly. I need to learn to be more patient. It’s not enough to be in a relationship when everything is rosy, I must prepare myself to fight through the rough times. I gave up too quickly.
Right now, I think I can say that I have improved on the time ish; judging by the amount of time I spend with my family. I think to a large extent, I have started giving more time to being with them than to other things that can actually take my time, compared to me of some years back. But I’m still not where I want to be.
Also, I realized my communication was not effective. My intentions were always misread. So I am working on that.
I got to know that beyond my exterior personality that a majority of people are familiar with; loving, easygoing, happy, beautiful woman. I could also be very cold and almost inhumane. My broken relationship showed me this side of me.
I could write a whole book about the lessons I learnt. I got to really know myself beyond who I taught I was. Found out that I border on the extreme when it comes to emotions. Could be very loving and I could also be very cold once the switch is flicked.
It happened that this person that I loved so much. That I did very stupid things for in the name of love; there was this one time I saw the person in a very life compromising situation. And I knew that if something was not done, things could go really wrong.
You know what I did? I turned my back and walked out. Did not feel a thing. I only reached out to somebody else just so I won’t be held responsible for somebody’s son. At that moment, I couldn’t see him in the light of the love that we once shared. He was just somebody that had hurt me so much that I became cold. That experience showed me that I could be wicked.
Also, my broken relationships taught me that I am a poor communicator.
I am a liar; it goes beyond the small fibs I tell my mom and those close to me. In my past relationship, I spoke LIES without flinching.
I didn’t believe I could do that; tell lies to the person I said I loved.
Obsession was another of my sins. For the person I was dating, I left all my friends. Left my hobbies and focused all my attention on that relationship.
Hopefully, I have learnt to do things better and I have grown from that experience.
I nag like a lot and this is something I never want to do to the man I eventually get married to.
So in my current relationship, I and my man usually have issues where we don’t talk for days and then we settle and move on without discussing what went wrong. There was this particular day he decided to flip the script and talk like me, I was like okay what is happening here but I decided to play along anyway; reply him the way he would have replied and listened to him talk like me. It got to a point that I was like, is this how I talk with you, it’s mentally exhausting.
I discovered that I was a nag.
Been nagging him for the 2 plus years that we have been together. I had to apologize to him and let him know I would do better. I also told him that going forward if there was anything he did that I was not comfortable with I would let him know without rambling on and on. And if I could not deal anymore, I would leave the relationship. It is no good giving somebody’s son mental health issues and burdening him with the feeling of not being good enough.
I was a sexist. The women I dated had to be below me in terms of achievements and ambition.
I never dated women who I felt had more drive than me. I needed my woman to be subservient. However, in my last relationship, I realized I worked hard to see that my woman becomes a high-flyer. I just wanted to see her at the top, and this was an eye-opener. I realized this is the sort of man I truly am; a man who wants to see his woman blazing her trail alongside him. Though that relationship did not work out, it has entirely changed my dating perspective.
So, ladies/guys, next time you think about your broken relationship, and you feel bitter that you were just the girl who prepared your Ex for his/her future wife/husband – not like this is a bad thing – take a moment to reflect. You would be surprised that you really should be belting out “Shalla to my Ex”.
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