For me, serial dating is much more than being involved romantically with multiple partners at the same time(c’mon guys, this is serial cheating).
It is about dating simultaneously without intermission; meaning, immediately you are out of a relationship, you are in another even before your girlfriends can digest the fact that you just broke up with Peter a week ago(some girls, it seems are wired not to be single for whatever psychological reasons?) and for some, even though they are not as quick to jump ship; their radar is always tuned in search of a new partner. The result of both examples still ends in having 10, 20 did I get this right? boyfriends in their lifetime, before finally settling down.
You are probably quizzing my train of thought right now, and I will explain shortly. I know you are like, ‘what’s the ‘ish” with serial dating? You have to leave Mr Wrong, keep dating to find potential Mr Right, not so? Hold on to that thought.
I believe you will find the right person to settle down with without having to get tangled in like 20-something relationships ‘aaand’ situationships before settling down with ‘the one’.
Life has taught me that we are made up of bits and pieces of other people. If you check, you will notice that you are not originally ‘you’, in the sense that who you were when you came into this world, complete with phenotypic and genotypic traits of family, has subtly modified over time, as we have interacted with others.
We inherit mannerisms, thought patterns and energy from the people we have drawn close to. I have learnt that in every interaction, there is always an exchange; good or bad.
So in a romantic relationship where you get to share a great deal of who you are with another person, there is going to be emotional, physical, and psychological investments, and proportional returns as well, and I don’t mean physical or material; I mean deposits to your soul, your mental bank, psychological bank and emotional bank.
In a loving and mutually satisfying, ‘right’ relationships, you feed off your partners’ habits, thought processes, values, positive energy you add them to yours, grow as an individual, expand your thought horizon, discard negative patterns as you adapt to a life with that person.
The same happens in wrong relationships. It may not start out as negative, it may have been, entirely a haven for both parties when it began but gradually you grow into the knowledge that this relationship is not ‘it’, for reasons such as values are different, it is abusive, one partner is using the other, your partner is emotionally distant, cheating or you realize contrary to what you thought, you guys are not on the same page when it comes to expectations.
When you walk out of that wrong relationship, you are not going to walk out the same girl, an exchange has taken place. For the span of that relationship, you adapted to how they perceived you, how they made you feel, their outlook on life, the energy they radiated has rubbed off on you.
So you find that your self-confidence is swapped for the feeling of not being good enough? Your once big heart now regards people warily, the happy girl is reduced to mood swings and emotional anxiety, the fairy tale princess no longer believes there’s is good in the world, your trusting nature is exchanged for a girl that hides herself from the world and lets say the teetotaler is exchanged for a girl who doesn’t mind getting tipsy thrice a week?
I call this negative exchange, relationship baggage.
Now imagine carrying all that, whether you realize it or not and without healing, allowing your need for connection drive you into the arms of another wrong relationship? The baggage just keeps pilling, doesn’t it? Or, let’s say you heal and you decide well, to find Mr Right, kissing a few frogs is not inevitable, so you dive in and keep picking up frogs, won’t that massively impact you psychologically?
This is the reason why we have beautiful and expensive but yet broken women walking our streets. Every failed relationship has left them with a chipped part of themselves, mistrust, faithlessness, deceitfulness, selfishness, cold-heartedness. It’s not supposed to be so. When you finally get into that fulfilling relationship of your dreams, you and your partner are going to spend a lifetime offloading all that baggage that you have accumulated while serial dating.
(Message) Guard your heart with all diligence, out of it are the issues of life. The bible says it all.
Be intentional about Protecting your heart at all cost by protecting your space. You should consider yourself too precious to be someone’s pathway and not their destination, over and over again. Your heart is not a footmat for men to walk in and walk out.
I know we can’t be so careful as not to ever have a few wrong relationships along the way, but instead of serial dating, thinking this time you would hit the jackpot, I want you to sit your behind down and count your losses. Reflect on the virtues that have gone out, and the negative patterns and mindset you have inherited and make an intentional effort to heal. You need to heal.
So, back to how to find ‘the one’. I can only refer you to this scripture; none shall want her mate but I by my spirit, will bring them together – Isaiah 34:16 (Message). Allow God’s leading to take precedence in your life. If you commit your relationships into God’s hand, you will know even before getting into those pairings, that they are not his best for you, even if ‘he’ looks too good to be real.
I talked to God about you and he whaaaaaaaaaat? He changed the subject. This is probably how God feels right now, about some of our relationships. He keeps changing the subject, and yet you continue to hold on. Let that relationship go and trust him. He says the thoughts I have towards you are of good and not of evil to bring you to an expected end.
One of these days when I am inspired, I’ll tell you about how God stirs nests (relationship, environments, situations) when you linger too long, and he wants you to move. Till then, xoxo.
Featured Image: IG @shawn.mckenzie