For girls in our sixteen to late twenties, you will agree with me that we are still grossly misinformed about the happenings in the birthing ward. Except you’ve been privileged to experience birthing, all you will probably ever hear a new mom talk about will be labour pains, how her water broke, and how she had to push for the life of her, and Cesareans. Still, there’s more, so much more they don’t tell you.
We don’t want you having to go through birthing thinking it will be just as you see it in the movies. We just want you to, what’s that Girl Scout motto: “be prepared” for birth.
Contractions are just like menstrual pain, just a whole lot more painful. You are going to feel pain everywhere and not just your lower abdomen.
Your water will not just pop (break) at once like you’ve been drilled to believe, thanks to media. Rather, it will be a continuous process of uncontrollable peeing. You know those times we are so pressed to pee, and we do a juggernaut dance to the toilet? Well, this time, it will feel like a bladder that’s gone a wee bit out of control and a toilet won’t save you. So you will most likely resort to a maxi pad. We will talk more on this later. Hope you know that the water we are referring to is what is termed amniotic fluid?
You will probably not be popping in and popping out of the hospital with your bundle of joy wrapped neatly in your arms within the space of two hours. Naah, labour could span a really long amount of time. Have you heard of 42-hour labour? Not to scare you, this is just a reality check.
You may need to have a Urinary Catheter installed. Did you say ugh? Sorry, it’s uncomfortable, but we can’t have you going to relieve yourself every now and again, especially if you are in no position to go alone.
The second reason is if you have been given an epidural, you won’t be able to feel anything, including a full bladder. That’s why you will need it.
I feel like you expected this already. I mean, it’s a hospital and given the conditions, injections can’t necessarily be ruled out. Yeah, you will be given injections but I bet having injections shoved up your ass is not a possibility you’ve considered (grinning). Don’t look so horrified. Ibuprofen, Voltarol and other medications will be given through the back passage, and I hear it doesn’t hurt if it will make you feel any better.
Puuush, momma puuuuush. How long do you think you are gonna be pushing for? 20 mins, 10, 30? This is going to come as a rude shock, and I am here laughing. Women have been known to push for over 3 hours! Did I say whaat? You read right. Yep. You are free to begin raving about electronic media and the fairytale they keep promoting.
All about the pooping and vomiting
No one told you did they, that the doctors and significant other will be there as you poop during labour and vomit too? It’s just like periods, for the girls that have it real bad, you know there’s something called menstrual diarrhoea (stooling and vomiting during periods). It’s just the same in labour.
That your lower half will be so swollen for weeks even after birth before it eventually goes down.
Delivery doesn’t end once the baby is out. I am so sorry girl, but you can’t rest just yet, you will have to release the placenta.
I said I was going to get back to maxi-pads. Yes, after birthing, you will be wearing a maxi pad because of the bleeding (post-birth bleeding). Um, did you think the blood will magically stop flowing?
And you know the most curious thing about it all; it’s that despite all these things you are going to go through during your first birth, you will like do it all over again, in no time at all. Isn’t it amazing, a woman’s power of endurance, I mean? Women inspire me every time.
Oh yeah, so you know, all these things I have listed is what happens generally, but it won’t be the same for every woman. Believe me; you may even go through painless labour.